Brain Over Binge: Part 1

Brain Over Binge: Part 1

Posted by Lorrie in About Me, Struggles on January 14, 2012 | 28 responses

I never thought, in a million years, that a book would help me to stop overeating or binge eating, but it never stopped me from buying them. I read many thousands of words telling me that I was an emotional eater, a stress eater, an addict, disordered and diseased. I read many more thousands of words telling me that I had deep seated issues and until I resolved them I would never stop eating too much. And I read even more thousands of words telling me to cut out flour, sugar, salt, potatoes, honey, red meat, beans, to count calories, to cut carbs, to calculate points, or to cut the fat. I was told moderation and lifestyle change more times than I care to say. Two words that I never truly got. I spent many weeks at the University counselor trying to figure out why I just couldn't stop eating. Her only solution was that I was depressed and needed the medication I never took.

And then Beth came along and left this comment:

Hello! First time commenter!

I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this book, or if you have read it. Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen.

I’ve been a binge eater most of my adult life, and after reading this book, I stopped. I’m not sure how or why, but I did. Dieting and restricting causes bingeing, that I know.

Take care & good luck to you in the new year!

I immediately logged into Amazon to read the reviews. Within five minutes I was already into the first chapter on my Kindle. I couldn't wait to buy the book, I was ready to dive in. The words used to describe the book mention bulimia, a disorder that I've never had. So I want to say first, that if you've struggled with any form of eating to the excess, please consider reading this book. Whatever you call it, overeating, binge eating, bulimia, etc., if you suffer for the urge to eat beyond being full, if you've had many moments of being able to consume large amounts of food and want to stop right now- this book is for you.

Every journey is personal and individual, binge eating is not black and white. As I read Kathryn's words, a women who has never been obese or even overweight I can honestly say I've never eaten to the excess that she describes in Brain Over Binge. I've also never exercised for hours on end to burn the calories I've consumed. This is her form of purging and why she calls herself bulimic.

I'm obese, and it's not because of moderate or "normal" eating. It never has been, obviously. I've been thinking about my weight since I was eight years old and dieting for so long  that I've never really known what normal eating looks or feels like.

I've had glimmers of hope, mainly with intuitive eating, but my urges to eat more always took over. I've been saying tomorrow I'll be better for so long, it's become my default response when life gets in the way.

Since reading Brain Over Binge, I've debated how I'd approach presenting this information on my blog. And after much debate I decided that I could only best explain how I've changed as a result. The book is too in depth and I fear I would do Kathryn and her research much disservice to explain it in any other way. You can read more about her and purchase the book on her website here: Brain Over Binge.

I would love to discuss this book more in depth with those that have read the book or plan to read the book and would like to open my comments up for discussion.

**I was in no way compensated for my opinion. I've linked directly to Kathryn's site, not Amazon, for those interested in purchasing it.**

Thursday morning after reading the first few pages of Brain Over Binge  I wanted to eat a biscuit. I rarely eat fast food biscuits, but this morning all I wanted to do was eat while reading a book about eating. Hello, irony.

Normally, a day that starts with a 900 calorie biscuit meal doesn't end well. Because I wasn't "perfect" at breakfast I would normally use that as an excuse to eat what I wanted for the rest of the day and start over tomorrow.

But something changed in those next three hours. I learned that I am not all of the horrible things I always believed I was because of my binge eating. I learned that I am not an emotional eater or addicted to sugar like I always thought. Over time my brain has formed neurological pathways that give me the urge to binge. These urges are so strong that I often cannot concentrate until I alleviate the discomfort of the urge. The pathways were formed first by dieting and then by habit. So now my body believes it needs to binge in order to survive and cope. But, these urges are not me. Logically, I know better. I am not overeating because I have depression, low self-esteem, trauma or an imperfect life, I binge because my body become accustom to it. I learned that when I changed my career, hair, or bought something new, I was trying to change my life. I was trying to fulfill and fill ever corner of my life with events and stuff in a desperate attempt to recover.

I believed that somehow, changing any part of my life would make me complete so that I could stop overeating once and for all. I've searched in vain for over ten years for anything to make me whole. To fix me. To dull the desire to keep eating. I believed that I just hadn't found the right program to tell me how to be better. The right experience, job, relationship, or outfit. I believed that I had to turn my life upside down to make real changes. That I had to stop cooking or baking, or eating out. That I'd have to give up every food that I ever binged, to stop slowly killing myself and to gain control once and for all. On some level, I already knew all of this, I just couldn't believe it was that easy.

After those three hours of reading I said to Josh "I finally get it". And then I started to sob, mostly because I felt like three thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. All I could say was "There's nothing wrong with me! Why didn't anyone ever tell me?! I'm not crazy, lazy, stupid, diseased or suffering.".

And Thursday, for the first time in my life I learned how to almost effortlessly calm myself and take control. In just a few hours my day had turned around. It wasn't perfect, I hadn't solved my life's problems- I just ate and moved on. I felt normal. Instead of stuffing or fighting my urges to eat, I just sat with them and reminded myself that those thoughts are not me. The urges come from years of dieting and habit. I do not have to fight these urges or feel guilty about them. I just sit with the feelings, acknowledge them, remind myself that they are not my higher, more logical self, and it passes. Deep down, I've never wanted to binge and I know logically know this. I know what healthful eating looks like.

Friday I played with fire. I made cookies. I ate two and put the rest away. And these weren't just any cookie. They were amazing. I made a lovely dinner of salad and lentil soup. Nourishing and healthful food that I truly craved and then had two cookies and moved on. Even as I type this, there is a bowl of cookies on the counter and that all too familiar voice to eat all of them and start over tomorrow, is dull. It's almost nonexistent. And for that, I am grateful.

I realize that this post is full of hyperbole, as is my fashion when I get excited about something, but I can honestly say to you that I will never binge again. I will never hide or sneak food. Eat in the car or give myself the promises of tomorrow. And as they say, the proof is in the pudding, I so look forward to sharing this journey with you.